How "Come As You Are" Changed My Sex Life

How Come As You Are Changed My Sex Life

By: Dr. Erica Magruder 

This is not a book review. However, I cannot say enough good things about this book. Emily dives into so many topics regarding sexual health that one may call game changers. 

She discusses “brakes and accelerators” how these affect your sexual expereience and what you may need to consider regarding your personal “brakes and accelerators”. 

A real “ah-ha” moment for me is when she brought up trust. To take your foot off the brakes and allow your accelerators to kick in  you have to trust the whole experience. You have to trust your partner… and here’s the good part, you have to trust yourself! Gosh darn it. Trust your body. 

Whew, that is a lot to ask of someone who is experiencing pelvic floor dysfunction. If you’re leaking urine, leaking bowels, or having pain with sex it may feel impossible to trust your body. It is doing things that make it feel untrustworthy. It is not functioning how you would expect or desire. 

There are so many layers that can affect your trust. A few of Emily's areas of expertise are the psychological, emotional, and social factors, and she fully explains all of this in her book. I will not try to summarize all of this, because I could not do it justice. So read it! Read her book, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. 

Then the physical components, that’s my expertise. That’s where all those pelvic floor muscles come into play. They deserve some attention. Your pelvic floor is part of your body. It is a very important part of your body, and in addition to your brain it is one of the most important parts regarding sexual function. You can change how these muscles function. You can get to know your body better, and aid these muscles in their function. 

Take a look down there. See what your vulva looks like. Get to know yourself. 

Beyond your vulva there are three layers of muscles. And 28 individual muscles. These muscles need to be on board. They need to lengthen, and have the ability to contract to allow you pleasurable sexual experiences.

The physical is one piece of the puzzle in getting to trust your body. Our bodies function in a biopsychosocial manner: bio (physical - anatomy, muscles), psycho (psychological - brain), social (relationships, environment). You have to address all of these pieces to establish trust and experience enjoyment. We can do all the physical work, and if you don’t take the time to process the other components, you may reach a plateau. You could make excellent progress with pelvic floor PT, but not quite get to where you want to be because there are other barriers looming. Maybe you don’t trust your body. Maybe you have negative thoughts about your body that slam on the brakes. Maybe you haven’t allowed yourself to enjoy what arouses you because of cultural contexts that suggest you’re “dirty”. 

I needed to acknowledge this side of things. I needed to acknowledge it’s ok to feel sad my body has permanently changed. As Laurie, a character in the book says, “What I need to hear is that it’s okay to feel sad that my body will never be what it used to be. I put a lot of effort into learning to love that body, and now I’ve got to start all over again learning to love this one.” And I do. I have to learn to love this body; this body that I’m living in after giving birth to my second child. Stop the negative self talk and take my foot off the brakes. 

I had to embrace my accelerators; allow myself to enjoy what I enjoy. I had to let go of the cultural contexts that tell me what I feel is wrong. 

And folks, as I said before GAME CHANGER. 

So do it. Read Emily’s book Come as You Are. Look into pelvic floor physical therapy. Do what you can to help yourself. 

There is hope. You can see change. You can have a better sex life.